My wife and I went to the park just to enjoy the day and while we were there we met a pastor from my church. When I went to introduce my wife to him, he asked: "
Is this your lovely wife?"
"Yes," I replied;
"I left the ugly one at home!"
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Saturday, September 25, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
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Monday, August 9, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Retro Rants
Bobby Dylan standing in a remote corner with his askew hair aflame but shadowed by a brighter flame that warms;
The South says nothing yet speaks loudly rising only to let the smoke pass under;
Four feet of fur with eyes aglow see black and white brings in the breeze while walking through the grass;Why did she move, it was a wasted movement;
Time is nothing, it's always after five;
Two people or three; one fooled the other that made four;
A multicolored fish lives off a string hung there by the head while a dozen eyes of the mind see nothing but look everywhere;
Out in space lies a coffee cup with saucer and spoon; out of place but better off than before even with the force trying to bring it down to reality;
Men have tried, so has Red; Red has crashed, men are high;
Groove on the sounds that escape from the disk and fill your lungs with the cloud of love.
Two hours and “WOW”, where will I be in four?
We are here yet you are not and I am gone!
The ocean roars across the I hear you but I am not listening.
Open your eyes and you will see a lot, yet close your eyes while it’s hot and you’ll see more which you thought not was there before.
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Friday, July 2, 2010
Catastrophy
Have you ever noticed how some seem to think that they were created by God to be one of the Chosen Few? You know who I am talking about! I'm sure that you had the honor to be in their presence. They are the ones that when they enter a room they expect to be noticed, given individual attention, pampered, and permitted to disrupt whatever was in progress and perch themselves wherever they want even if it means forcing others to move to another spot. Their personalities run the entire gamut of emotions and attitudes and regardless of their current disposition others are expected to accommodate their desires while excusing them for their actions without question. They are the gods that walk amongst us! These special ones demand to be loved and adored at request and if ignored you should expect to be physically encountered or at least stared-down until acquiesced or until they decide to move onto other conquests.
There are, however, some redeeming values to these anointed ones. If you have adopted the Christian model to live your life, that is, if you try to serve others, to love others as you love yourself, to accept without prejudice, to feed the hungry and shelter the needy - if you live by these attributes then these privileged ones will be quick to take advantage of your graces, without any guilt or moral recourse, to give you a sense of worth!
Therefore, taking into consideration of all disclosed above, if one can be reincarnated after death then I truly wish to come back as one of these Chosen Few so I can enjoy the same immense privileges my wife bestows upon her cat! Imagine, nine lives worth of unabashed preferential treatment - WOW! I mean...MEEEEEOOOOOW!
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There are, however, some redeeming values to these anointed ones. If you have adopted the Christian model to live your life, that is, if you try to serve others, to love others as you love yourself, to accept without prejudice, to feed the hungry and shelter the needy - if you live by these attributes then these privileged ones will be quick to take advantage of your graces, without any guilt or moral recourse, to give you a sense of worth!
Therefore, taking into consideration of all disclosed above, if one can be reincarnated after death then I truly wish to come back as one of these Chosen Few so I can enjoy the same immense privileges my wife bestows upon her cat! Imagine, nine lives worth of unabashed preferential treatment - WOW! I mean...MEEEEEOOOOOW!
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Sunday, June 20, 2010
Father's Day
Give thanks to our Supreme Father, God Almighty, for He will not fail nor forsake us
because
because
Our God is an AWESOME God!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
A Defining Moment
What defines you? That is, how do you perceive yourself to be or how you desire others to perceive you to be? What is it that ultimately defines you as a person? How do you complete the sentence..." I am ______!" Are you defined by your gender; your marital status; your age? How about your college degree or perhaps your career or job title? Could it be your wealth or lack thereof? Your health; your possessions? What about the car you drive or maybe it's your accumulation of adult toys? Let's not forget your house - you know, The American Dream! Maybe you identify via your sexual preference, that certainly is quite popular these days! Do you relate to your status as a parent or through your kids, grand kids or your great-grand kids. Forget successes, maybe you define yourself through your failures or your self-imposed tribulations!
Let's rephrase the question or approach it from a different perspective. What would it finally take to make you truly happy; to make you feel that once you obtain or achieve this "thing" that your life will be fulfilled? Is it a promotion at work; reaching retirement; a college degree; a wedding band on your finger; children to carry-on your family name; winning the lottery or competing on American Idol or Dancing with the Stars? How about a title before your name or some initials after it? Perhaps a political position, a prestigious appointment or achieving celebrity status. What is your top priority in life? Where are you going and where do you want to end up? What are you looking for? How do you want your obituary to read?
So, what is it that truly defines you? What is it that is keeping you from attaining the ultimate confirmation that "you have arrived?" What would it take for you to be fully satisfied with what you have as God has provided for you?
Gal 2:20 I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
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Let's rephrase the question or approach it from a different perspective. What would it finally take to make you truly happy; to make you feel that once you obtain or achieve this "thing" that your life will be fulfilled? Is it a promotion at work; reaching retirement; a college degree; a wedding band on your finger; children to carry-on your family name; winning the lottery or competing on American Idol or Dancing with the Stars? How about a title before your name or some initials after it? Perhaps a political position, a prestigious appointment or achieving celebrity status. What is your top priority in life? Where are you going and where do you want to end up? What are you looking for? How do you want your obituary to read?
So, what is it that truly defines you? What is it that is keeping you from attaining the ultimate confirmation that "you have arrived?" What would it take for you to be fully satisfied with what you have as God has provided for you?
Gal 2:20 I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
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Tuesday, May 18, 2010
BOSS vs. LEADER
It has been said by many that there are only two types of people - leaders and followers. I'm not sure if that was intended to be a definitive statement because based upon my observations these roles intermingle and we move freely between them as situations demand. However, in our "professional roles" we usually find ourselves in semi-permanent positions where we work for someone and maybe have others working under our tutelage. In other words, we all have superiors, peers, and maybe subordinates. This relationship also exists outside the workplace and applies to most of our personal and family relationships. This hierarchy helps define our pecking-order to maximize cultural cohesion and to minimize potential chaos.
Two terms are commonly used to describe those appointed, or maybe self-appointed, to be our guardians: Boss and Leader. In my opinion the term "boss" has negative implications while "leader" exhibits positive vibes. Perhaps it's because we don't always, if ever, pick our bosses but we can consciously and deliberately pick our leaders.
To reiterate, these characteristics apply to bosses, parents, friends, associates, and all other interpersonal relationships!
Let's review some defining characteristics that clearly separate these two ideologies. This is not a scientific study nor is it endorsed by any professional entity - it's just the opinion of one!
Bosses Leaders
Two terms are commonly used to describe those appointed, or maybe self-appointed, to be our guardians: Boss and Leader. In my opinion the term "boss" has negative implications while "leader" exhibits positive vibes. Perhaps it's because we don't always, if ever, pick our bosses but we can consciously and deliberately pick our leaders.
Boss can be defined as one who gives orders; a superior; one over others;
Leader can be defined as one who guides; a principal; one in front of others.
To reiterate, these characteristics apply to bosses, parents, friends, associates, and all other interpersonal relationships!
BOSS vs. LEADER
Let's review some defining characteristics that clearly separate these two ideologies. This is not a scientific study nor is it endorsed by any professional entity - it's just the opinion of one!
Bosses Leaders
Do As I Say Lead By Example
Gives Orders Seeks Advice / Input
Closed Door Policy Open Door Policy
Speaks Listens
Speaks Listens
Focuses on Faults Builds Upon Strengths
Impediment Helper
Frowns Smiles / Laughs
Exclusive Inclusive
Abuses "The System" Uses "The System"
Points the Finger Takes Responsibility
Plays Favorites Promotes Equality
Egotistic Gives Credit to Others
Which ones describe you?
What are you doing about it?
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Saturday, May 8, 2010
HEROES
http://www.televisiontunes.com/Davy_Crockett.html
Without a psychoanalysis of why I adopted the character Davy Crockett as my hero, I can surmise that it had a lot to do with the adventures of surviving in the wilderness; facing dire consequences in each episode; actualizing the survival of the fittest; confronting and commingling with Indian tribes; utilizing while protecting what nature provided for food and shelter; representing the lowly citizen to Congress; or perhaps it was Davy's final heroic act of defending to his death the sovereign territory of Texas at the "Battle of the Alamo." Any or all of those may have had impact on me but deep inside I'm sure it was the coonskin hat that had much to do with my devoted attention and patronage. As this picture on the right proves, back then I truly was a big fan of Davy Crockett.
When I sadly announced to others that my childhood hero had died, I expected some remorse or perhaps just a bit of sympathy, especially from my siblings who shared those memorable moments with me watching Davy Crockett on TV. But no, no pity on me; instead the only response I received from anyone was basically to "get over it" One even had the audacity to suggest that I "find a new hero"! Very comforting words - NOT - but perhaps words of wisdom anyway.
Could it be that another Davy Crockett personified lives today? Let's face it, Davy's shoes (moccasins to be precise) would be hard to fill in today's "civilized" world. Be that as it may, there comes to mind one who truly emulates Davy Crockett's spirit, character, and life-long accomplishments (maybe passing on the opportunity to become a national martyr)! I'm convinced that there are many special individuals that are revered by others to be modern day heroes but following in the shadow of Davy Crockett's character and lifestyle in some manner or accomplishment poses special attributes. How many modern day people do you think truly could emulate the conditions and challenges bestowed upon Davy Crockett after surviving in the wilderness; facing dire consequences in each episode of one's life; actualizing the survival of the fittest; confronting native tribes; depending upon and preserving what nature provides for food and shelter; and representing the lowly citizen to various representations of government? Could it be that a Davy Crockett clone actually lives today amid advanced societies and computerized technologies? Stay tuned - don't touch that dial.
A new episode of Davy Crockett captures an individual who, at a relatively young age, left the security and confinements of home for the"Wild West." Searching for himself and for his true purpose in life traveled him far and wide only to realize that his calling was yet further away. Finally, he finds himself at a far, far away, remote and barren piece of land at the end of the earth confronted with the most extreme weather conditions and the bleakest of living conditions and accommodations. This was to be his home and for some weird twist of fate, he felt at home here too. Over the next four decades and still counting, this man saved a tribe's Chief and his family from slowly perishing on a fruitless slab of land; relocated the tribe with its six remaining members; built them a "city on a hill" complete with fresh water, electricity, plumbing, homes and buildings, a school, paved roads, and protection from the harshest of environments. This village grew in population to its current population of approximately 250 in a self-sustained community. Yes, as with Davy Crockett, there were bears to kill, fish and wild life to catch, storms to survive, births and deaths to contend with, and representation to the various government entities to pursue. Throughout this period this one person has held virtually every civil service and government position at the village level, and continuing today he is the villages only resource for medical and fire & rescue needs. Oh yes, he married the Chief's daughter, bore three kids and has enough grand children to start his own tribe.
Now, some of you reading this by now know who this modern day Davy Crockett is, or at least you think that you know. Just hold your thoughts for a moment because there is one more critical observation to be expressed. History will eventually acknowledge the contributions that this one man has made upon a family, a tribe, a village, and perhaps an entire region of our great country. But why I consider him a hero, over and above his lifelong accomplishments, is that he accomplished what the did from the position of that of a servant. He came to serve as scripture calls us all here "...not to be served but to serve others...." (Mark 10:45).
A humble person who lives and loves to help others is the reason why my new hero is my brother Bill.
God bless you, Billy!
Point Lay, Alaska, is home for Billy and his family. To appreciate the remoteness of Pt. Lay and some of the unique challenges life presents there, click on the following links:
Monday, April 19, 2010
Irreconcilable Differences
Have you ever noticed that when big named celebrities get divorced, the media never discloses the real reason for their divorce. We usually don't even get a glimpse of the juicy details of why these couples opted not to wait until death before they parted. However, if a normal, everyday couple like John & Jane Doe file for divorce, we know all of the dirty details. Think for a moment about all the reasons or excuses you've heard explaining someone's divorce. Lots of reasons come to mind I'm sure but they all probably fall into one of three categories: sex, money or power! Right?
However, when disclosing the reason for Mr & Mrs Elite's pending plans for untying the bonds of matrimony, the usual explanation given is that it's due to "Irreconcilable Differences." Well, no kidding! Ain't that a eye-opener! Hey, we the people deserve to know the real scoop! We have rights, ya know! We've invested a lot of our time following these celebratory couples across numerous red carpets and on various media outlets. We've watched them on TV, on the silver screen, on the Internet, invested mega bucks on rag magazines and lost hours of sleep while glued to late night talk shows just to get our "fix" on the lives of the rich and famous, so we deserve more than just the "Irreconcilable Differences" frap! C'mon, where is the loyalty to your devoted fans?
I recall the first time that I was really disappointed with the "Irreconcilable Differences" mantra was way back in 1993 when "People Magazine" published the headline "Ending Five Years of Marriage, Burt Reynolds Announces He's Suing Loni Anderson for Divorce!" What do you mean "who's Burt Reynolds and who's Loni Anderson?" Back then, Burt Reynolds was THE LADIES MAN, a superstar; and Loni Anderson - well, one look at her assets said it all. Both defined sex, success and stardom.
Now, please correct me if I am wrong here but I do not recall the term "Irreconcilable Differences" mentioned in any wedding vows that I have ever heard. Am I right? I mean, at least within the traditional vows we hear the commitments to " live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony; to love, comfort, honor and keep, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto (him/her) as long as you both shall live?" Where is the option to opt out if couples cannot reconcile their differences? Perhaps, again, only in today's new world of love and commitment!
Hey, you guys out there, were talking about Loni Anderson and Angelina Jolie! And you gals out there, what about Burt Reynolds or Brad Pitt? Wow, are you kidding me? Those must be some major, heavy differences that cannot be reconciled. So ask yourself, just what kind of differences would it take for you to divorce yourself from one of those heavy hitters? Good question and guess what - I have the answer! Yes indeed, after decades of personal marital observations coupled with over six decades of life's experiences, I have solved the riddle of "what differences cannot be reconciled?" Not only that, but I have also identified specifically where these "irreconcilable differences" originate and continue to thrive. You see, within every household, no matter if one lives in a mighty mansion or in a common casa, there is one place - one room - where intimacy reigns. It's here where no secrets are kept; where (if you will) it all hangs out; where the truth is bared! It's in this space where the most personal of differences between couples have to be reconciled, and if you guess that it's the bedroom then, sorry pervert, you're wrong (ha)! Actually, it's the bathroom that ultimately determines our destiny to live as one, or not!
Yes indeed, within those bathroom (restroom, washroom, john, lavatory, powder room, water closet, loo, can, john, privy, etcetera ad nauseum), walls lie the secrets to what destroys otherwise successful marriages. Interestingly enough, there have emerged three, and only three, specific items or events within those hallowed walls that are the nemesis to living happily ever after. Only three and I'm sure that you are now racking your brain to identify these roots of evil before they are revealed below. Good luck with that!
Are you ready? OK!
The first prospect that presents the potential to pulverize a perfectly pure, pleasurable, platonic (oops, not that), peaceful, personable partnership is - drum roll please - toothpaste! Huh, did I say toothpaste? Yep, and while there are many variable factors related to toothpaste such as paste, gel or powder; brands (over 26 brands to choose from); fluoride or fluoride-free; colorings or flavor; striped or plain:, natural, organic or laced with chemicals; again etcetera ad nauseum, none of those are contributing factors. The real culprit is none of the above but rather the focus is on how one squeezes the tube of toothpaste. That's right, it's not the what but the how. Everything else mentioned (or not) related to toothpaste can be regulated, resolved or remedied, but just try to change one's inherint (or inherited) methodology of squeezing a tube of toothpaste. Let's face it, there are only two ways to do anything, the wrong way or my way (metaphorically speaking), and therein the battle between the sexes begins in the bathroom with the tube of toothpaste. It is said that a picture is worth a gazillion words so let's look at this depiction below which soundly illustrates the underlying psychological prowess of how one puts the squeeze on!
But there is more to this discovery of irreconcilable differences because remember that there are two other hidden impasses in the bathroom that must be made public (pun)!
Number 2 is a clue for irreconcilable difference #2. What comes immediately to mind when you associate #2 with the bathroom? Need I spell it out for you? OK, good - you got it! Now, what goes with #2 - no not #1 - it's toilet paper! Yes, the second irreconcilable difference is toilet paper, or commonly referred to as "TP". It's interesting to note that tooth paste can also be represented by the initials TP. We'll see how long this coincidence holds up, but in the interim let's take a closer look at why toilet paper constitutes an irreconcilable difference. We have no time to waste because it's been announced that Elin Nordegren wants a divorce from Tiger Woods due to - guess what - irreconcilable differences! At least with this divorce we know what that irreconcilable difference is, don't we Tiger?
This basic, everyday commodity presents an irreconcilable obstacle greater that what tooth paste presents Why? Well, it's not because of the various selections of textures, strengths, feel, colors or designs because those can be resolved by the next trip to the grocery store or by opting to replace your TP with a Sears & Roebuck catalogue (ow)!. Nope, the underlying conflict goes deeper than that because its roots are firmly entrenched with one's psyche. You see, it's not the toilet paper, per se, but how it is displayed. Remember, as with the toothpaste, there are only two ways to do anything, the wrong way or my way (again metaphorically speaking). Toilet paper offers only two ways to put the TP on a dispenser, with the paper rolling over the front or under the back. That's it, only two ways to hang yet many couples can't, or won't, agree on which way because to do so means that one has to concede to the other, and we can't have that in a marriage now can we - (ha)!
Before O'Bama decides to impose a tax for Internet usage perhaps we should delve into the third, final, and most important irreconcilable difference of them all. I'm sure most of you are ahead of me on this one and if you're not, well then that speaks for itself (ha)! We started with toothpaste (TP), next with toilet paper (also TP), and so we must conclude with another TP of which I'll call Toilet Protocol just so I can associate the initials TP with all irreconcilable differences. Actually, there is logic in the phrase Toilet Protocol, as I'm sure that you will agree because we are focusing on the toilet, specifically the toilet seat position controversy. Yes, this argument has been brewing since Thomas P. Crapper improved this indoor plumbing convenience. Speaking of Mr. Crapper, let's take a moment to talk about this good ole' chap by dispelling the myth of the origin of the word “crap”.
It has often been claimed in popular culture that the offensive English word for human waste, crap originated with Thomas Crapper because of his association with lavatories. The most common form of this story is that American servicemen stationed in England during World War I saw his name on cisterns and used the name as army slang. The word crap is actually of Middle English origin, and first appeared in the Oxford English Dictionary in 1846 under a reference to a crapping ken, or a privy, where ken means a house. Its most likely etymological origin is a combination of two older words, the Dutch krappen, to pluck off, cut off, or separate; and the Old French crappe, or siftings or waste or rejected matter, from medieval Latin crappa, chaff. As Thomas Crapper launched his company in 1861 and only gained fame much later, there is therefore no direct link between his name and the colloquialism, except one of coincidence.
OK, enough of that crap because we have a BIG problem here, not with the toilet itself, but with the toilet seat and the alternate positions it offers. One could take a solid stance here and state that toilet seats have two positions, up or down, so get over it! That may work in same sex marriages (only plus I know for same sex couples) but not for traditional marriages. Believe this or not, but I do know a gent that wanted to please his wife so instead of having to remember to put the toilet seat down after each use, he opted to always sit down when doing his business, no matter what the number was (#1 or #2 for you slow ones)! It also helped prevent over-spray which we all know how terrible that problem is when if comes to clean-up time! Now, that gentleman is truly a gentleman, or perhaps a wimp - you decide! Regardless, no irreconcilable difference #3 for that couple.
However, when disclosing the reason for Mr & Mrs Elite's pending plans for untying the bonds of matrimony, the usual explanation given is that it's due to "Irreconcilable Differences." Well, no kidding! Ain't that a eye-opener! Hey, we the people deserve to know the real scoop! We have rights, ya know! We've invested a lot of our time following these celebratory couples across numerous red carpets and on various media outlets. We've watched them on TV, on the silver screen, on the Internet, invested mega bucks on rag magazines and lost hours of sleep while glued to late night talk shows just to get our "fix" on the lives of the rich and famous, so we deserve more than just the "Irreconcilable Differences" frap! C'mon, where is the loyalty to your devoted fans?
I recall the first time that I was really disappointed with the "Irreconcilable Differences" mantra was way back in 1993 when "People Magazine" published the headline "Ending Five Years of Marriage, Burt Reynolds Announces He's Suing Loni Anderson for Divorce!" What do you mean "who's Burt Reynolds and who's Loni Anderson?" Back then, Burt Reynolds was THE LADIES MAN, a superstar; and Loni Anderson - well, one look at her assets said it all. Both defined sex, success and stardom. OK, perhaps today one might compare a divorce between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie similar on the Richter Scale to that of Burt & Loni's divorce.
What? Are there rumors that Brad and Angelina are filing for divorce too! Oh wait, they aren't even married although they have been together in a relationship for over five years and have six children! Well, welcome to today's new world of love and commitment! But, if they are cutting their ties too (am I starting a rumor here); if they do split-up then we will surely be informed from all the talking heads that the reason for their departure is due to "Irreconcilable Differences!"
Now, please correct me if I am wrong here but I do not recall the term "Irreconcilable Differences" mentioned in any wedding vows that I have ever heard. Am I right? I mean, at least within the traditional vows we hear the commitments to " live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony; to love, comfort, honor and keep, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto (him/her) as long as you both shall live?" Where is the option to opt out if couples cannot reconcile their differences? Perhaps, again, only in today's new world of love and commitment!
Hey, you guys out there, were talking about Loni Anderson and Angelina Jolie! And you gals out there, what about Burt Reynolds or Brad Pitt? Wow, are you kidding me? Those must be some major, heavy differences that cannot be reconciled. So ask yourself, just what kind of differences would it take for you to divorce yourself from one of those heavy hitters? Good question and guess what - I have the answer! Yes indeed, after decades of personal marital observations coupled with over six decades of life's experiences, I have solved the riddle of "what differences cannot be reconciled?" Not only that, but I have also identified specifically where these "irreconcilable differences" originate and continue to thrive. You see, within every household, no matter if one lives in a mighty mansion or in a common casa, there is one place - one room - where intimacy reigns. It's here where no secrets are kept; where (if you will) it all hangs out; where the truth is bared! It's in this space where the most personal of differences between couples have to be reconciled, and if you guess that it's the bedroom then, sorry pervert, you're wrong (ha)! Actually, it's the bathroom that ultimately determines our destiny to live as one, or not!
Yes indeed, within those bathroom (restroom, washroom, john, lavatory, powder room, water closet, loo, can, john, privy, etcetera ad nauseum), walls lie the secrets to what destroys otherwise successful marriages. Interestingly enough, there have emerged three, and only three, specific items or events within those hallowed walls that are the nemesis to living happily ever after. Only three and I'm sure that you are now racking your brain to identify these roots of evil before they are revealed below. Good luck with that!
Are you ready? OK!
IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCE #1
The first prospect that presents the potential to pulverize a perfectly pure, pleasurable, platonic (oops, not that), peaceful, personable partnership is - drum roll please - toothpaste! Huh, did I say toothpaste? Yep, and while there are many variable factors related to toothpaste such as paste, gel or powder; brands (over 26 brands to choose from); fluoride or fluoride-free; colorings or flavor; striped or plain:, natural, organic or laced with chemicals; again etcetera ad nauseum, none of those are contributing factors. The real culprit is none of the above but rather the focus is on how one squeezes the tube of toothpaste. That's right, it's not the what but the how. Everything else mentioned (or not) related to toothpaste can be regulated, resolved or remedied, but just try to change one's inherint (or inherited) methodology of squeezing a tube of toothpaste. Let's face it, there are only two ways to do anything, the wrong way or my way (metaphorically speaking), and therein the battle between the sexes begins in the bathroom with the tube of toothpaste. It is said that a picture is worth a gazillion words so let's look at this depiction below which soundly illustrates the underlying psychological prowess of how one puts the squeeze on!
(This has to be true because I found it on the Internet)
Besides the implied social psychological implications there are also underlying political ramifications that need to be explored. Starting from left to right above, we expose a moderate, a conservative, a liberal, and a sociopath (look that one up in your Funk & Wagnall's). Serious stuff here and you thought toothpaste was just about oral hygiene - au contraire mon frere!
A dead give-away that one's marital bliss might be a myth is where there is only one tube shared between the two and it looks like the one on the right; a clue that domestic violence or a divorce due to irreconcilable differences may soon follow! Be at rest, though, because a simple reconciliation resides in using separate tubes of toothpaste - yes, a His & Hers - so as not to discourage individuality but to remove continually confronting conflicts in the most sacred of sacred sanctuaries! Perhaps we just saved a marriage or two here!
But there is more to this discovery of irreconcilable differences because remember that there are two other hidden impasses in the bathroom that must be made public (pun)!
IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCE #2
Number 2 is a clue for irreconcilable difference #2. What comes immediately to mind when you associate #2 with the bathroom? Need I spell it out for you? OK, good - you got it! Now, what goes with #2 - no not #1 - it's toilet paper! Yes, the second irreconcilable difference is toilet paper, or commonly referred to as "TP". It's interesting to note that tooth paste can also be represented by the initials TP. We'll see how long this coincidence holds up, but in the interim let's take a closer look at why toilet paper constitutes an irreconcilable difference. We have no time to waste because it's been announced that Elin Nordegren wants a divorce from Tiger Woods due to - guess what - irreconcilable differences! At least with this divorce we know what that irreconcilable difference is, don't we Tiger?
This basic, everyday commodity presents an irreconcilable obstacle greater that what tooth paste presents Why? Well, it's not because of the various selections of textures, strengths, feel, colors or designs because those can be resolved by the next trip to the grocery store or by opting to replace your TP with a Sears & Roebuck catalogue (ow)!. Nope, the underlying conflict goes deeper than that because its roots are firmly entrenched with one's psyche. You see, it's not the toilet paper, per se, but how it is displayed. Remember, as with the toothpaste, there are only two ways to do anything, the wrong way or my way (again metaphorically speaking). Toilet paper offers only two ways to put the TP on a dispenser, with the paper rolling over the front or under the back. That's it, only two ways to hang yet many couples can't, or won't, agree on which way because to do so means that one has to concede to the other, and we can't have that in a marriage now can we - (ha)! 
OK, so you decide! Look at the two pics and vote for which is the correct and proper way to hang: Which roll is easier to grasp a hold of the leading sheet? Which roll shows the design from the front-side? Which roll is more appealing and adds to the decor of the bathroom? Which roll shows the tear-line without rolling the paper? Which one is more hygienic? What does common sense tell you? There are many web sites that present this scenario and offer opinions to try to remedy this dilemma. One particular web site is: http://www.squidoo.com/ToiletPaperRollOverOrUnder Check it out and join the fray but I propose that the irreconcilable difference is not which way the roll is hung but the mindset behind the reason to pick one over the other. You see, every time the roll is empty the decision has to be made again and the motivation to opt one way over the other says a lot about the psychological mindset behind that decision. Try this on for size: if one hangs the roll whichever way on a random basis, then that person's personality is probably classified as Laissez-faire, or perhaps just plain lazy. If one opts to insist that it must hang over, then that person probably suffers from Impulsive / Compulsive Disorder of some magnitude. One who purposely hangs the paper from the rear probably holds dear to liberal-values or is left brain dominant. That's OK too! The danger and the problem begins when one hangs the TP in a specific manner to purposely and aggressively piss-off (pun again) the other spouse. A sure sign that the marriage may be headed to the toilet (another obvious pun)!
IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCE #3
It has often been claimed in popular culture that the offensive English word for human waste, crap originated with Thomas Crapper because of his association with lavatories. The most common form of this story is that American servicemen stationed in England during World War I saw his name on cisterns and used the name as army slang. The word crap is actually of Middle English origin, and first appeared in the Oxford English Dictionary in 1846 under a reference to a crapping ken, or a privy, where ken means a house. Its most likely etymological origin is a combination of two older words, the Dutch krappen, to pluck off, cut off, or separate; and the Old French crappe, or siftings or waste or rejected matter, from medieval Latin crappa, chaff. As Thomas Crapper launched his company in 1861 and only gained fame much later, there is therefore no direct link between his name and the colloquialism, except one of coincidence.
OK, enough of that crap because we have a BIG problem here, not with the toilet itself, but with the toilet seat and the alternate positions it offers. One could take a solid stance here and state that toilet seats have two positions, up or down, so get over it! That may work in same sex marriages (only plus I know for same sex couples) but not for traditional marriages. Believe this or not, but I do know a gent that wanted to please his wife so instead of having to remember to put the toilet seat down after each use, he opted to always sit down when doing his business, no matter what the number was (#1 or #2 for you slow ones)! It also helped prevent over-spray which we all know how terrible that problem is when if comes to clean-up time! Now, that gentleman is truly a gentleman, or perhaps a wimp - you decide! Regardless, no irreconcilable difference #3 for that couple.
OK, so we all recognize the problem but we all may underestimate the repercussions of our actions. It isn't one sided either, and once again I must remind you there are only two ways to do anything, the wrong way or my way (metaphorically speaking for the last time). Here's where I may stray from the typical testosterone-induced deduction, and strictly for cosmetic and eye-appeal reasons I vote for closing the seat. Besides, I tend to drop things and, well, you can surmise the rest!
But friends and neighbors, there is a solution to even this age old problem. Yes, and for those of us who love to window shop, or perhaps browse at a certain speciality store, and for us techies who love gadgets and mechanical toys, I present to you direct from Home Depot the toilet seat built by Harmony (appropriately named) that automatically closes!! Yes indeed, and it is also advertised to be "flush activated, clean and hygienic, quiet slow-close action, and simple installation." Life does not get any better than this and this could save a marriage too! Wow, what time does Home Depot open - I can't wait!
In closing, and after solving the riddle of "what are the irreconcilable differences that cannot be reconciled", can we be serious for a moment? As much fun as that was, please note that the only true irreconcilable difference is love, or lack thereof. Love and a true commitment to honor one another as individuals created by God as we want to be loved and honored. If within each marriage couples would remember the second greatest Commandment "to love your neighbor (spouse) as yourself", then any and all differences can be reconciled. God Bless!
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