However, when disclosing the reason for Mr & Mrs Elite's pending plans for untying the bonds of matrimony, the usual explanation given is that it's due to "Irreconcilable Differences." Well, no kidding! Ain't that a eye-opener! Hey, we the people deserve to know the real scoop! We have rights, ya know! We've invested a lot of our time following these celebratory couples across numerous red carpets and on various media outlets. We've watched them on TV, on the silver screen, on the Internet, invested mega bucks on rag magazines and lost hours of sleep while glued to late night talk shows just to get our "fix" on the lives of the rich and famous, so we deserve more than just the "Irreconcilable Differences" frap! C'mon, where is the loyalty to your devoted fans?
I recall the first time that I was really disappointed with the "Irreconcilable Differences" mantra was way back in 1993 when "People Magazine" published the headline "Ending Five Years of Marriage, Burt Reynolds Announces He's Suing Loni Anderson for Divorce!" What do you mean "who's Burt Reynolds and who's Loni Anderson?" Back then, Burt Reynolds was THE LADIES MAN, a superstar; and Loni Anderson - well, one look at her assets said it all. Both defined sex, success and stardom. OK, perhaps today one might compare a divorce between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie similar on the Richter Scale to that of Burt & Loni's divorce.
What? Are there rumors that Brad and Angelina are filing for divorce too! Oh wait, they aren't even married although they have been together in a relationship for over five years and have six children! Well, welcome to today's new world of love and commitment! But, if they are cutting their ties too (am I starting a rumor here); if they do split-up then we will surely be informed from all the talking heads that the reason for their departure is due to "Irreconcilable Differences!"
Now, please correct me if I am wrong here but I do not recall the term "Irreconcilable Differences" mentioned in any wedding vows that I have ever heard. Am I right? I mean, at least within the traditional vows we hear the commitments to " live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony; to love, comfort, honor and keep, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto (him/her) as long as you both shall live?" Where is the option to opt out if couples cannot reconcile their differences? Perhaps, again, only in today's new world of love and commitment!
Hey, you guys out there, were talking about Loni Anderson and Angelina Jolie! And you gals out there, what about Burt Reynolds or Brad Pitt? Wow, are you kidding me? Those must be some major, heavy differences that cannot be reconciled. So ask yourself, just what kind of differences would it take for you to divorce yourself from one of those heavy hitters? Good question and guess what - I have the answer! Yes indeed, after decades of personal marital observations coupled with over six decades of life's experiences, I have solved the riddle of "what differences cannot be reconciled?" Not only that, but I have also identified specifically where these "irreconcilable differences" originate and continue to thrive. You see, within every household, no matter if one lives in a mighty mansion or in a common casa, there is one place - one room - where intimacy reigns. It's here where no secrets are kept; where (if you will) it all hangs out; where the truth is bared! It's in this space where the most personal of differences between couples have to be reconciled, and if you guess that it's the bedroom then, sorry pervert, you're wrong (ha)! Actually, it's the bathroom that ultimately determines our destiny to live as one, or not!
Yes indeed, within those bathroom (restroom, washroom, john, lavatory, powder room, water closet, loo, can, john, privy, etcetera ad nauseum), walls lie the secrets to what destroys otherwise successful marriages. Interestingly enough, there have emerged three, and only three, specific items or events within those hallowed walls that are the nemesis to living happily ever after. Only three and I'm sure that you are now racking your brain to identify these roots of evil before they are revealed below. Good luck with that!
Are you ready? OK!
IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCE #1
The first prospect that presents the potential to pulverize a perfectly pure, pleasurable, platonic (oops, not that), peaceful, personable partnership is - drum roll please - toothpaste! Huh, did I say toothpaste? Yep, and while there are many variable factors related to toothpaste such as paste, gel or powder; brands (over 26 brands to choose from); fluoride or fluoride-free; colorings or flavor; striped or plain:, natural, organic or laced with chemicals; again etcetera ad nauseum, none of those are contributing factors. The real culprit is none of the above but rather the focus is on how one squeezes the tube of toothpaste. That's right, it's not the what but the how. Everything else mentioned (or not) related to toothpaste can be regulated, resolved or remedied, but just try to change one's inherint (or inherited) methodology of squeezing a tube of toothpaste. Let's face it, there are only two ways to do anything, the wrong way or my way (metaphorically speaking), and therein the battle between the sexes begins in the bathroom with the tube of toothpaste. It is said that a picture is worth a gazillion words so let's look at this depiction below which soundly illustrates the underlying psychological prowess of how one puts the squeeze on!
(This has to be true because I found it on the Internet)
Besides the implied social psychological implications there are also underlying political ramifications that need to be explored. Starting from left to right above, we expose a moderate, a conservative, a liberal, and a sociopath (look that one up in your Funk & Wagnall's). Serious stuff here and you thought toothpaste was just about oral hygiene - au contraire mon frere!
A dead give-away that one's marital bliss might be a myth is where there is only one tube shared between the two and it looks like the one on the right; a clue that domestic violence or a divorce due to irreconcilable differences may soon follow! Be at rest, though, because a simple reconciliation resides in using separate tubes of toothpaste - yes, a His & Hers - so as not to discourage individuality but to remove continually confronting conflicts in the most sacred of sacred sanctuaries! Perhaps we just saved a marriage or two here!
But there is more to this discovery of irreconcilable differences because remember that there are two other hidden impasses in the bathroom that must be made public (pun)!
IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCE #2
Number 2 is a clue for irreconcilable difference #2. What comes immediately to mind when you associate #2 with the bathroom? Need I spell it out for you? OK, good - you got it! Now, what goes with #2 - no not #1 - it's toilet paper! Yes, the second irreconcilable difference is toilet paper, or commonly referred to as "TP". It's interesting to note that tooth paste can also be represented by the initials TP. We'll see how long this coincidence holds up, but in the interim let's take a closer look at why toilet paper constitutes an irreconcilable difference. We have no time to waste because it's been announced that Elin Nordegren wants a divorce from Tiger Woods due to - guess what - irreconcilable differences! At least with this divorce we know what that irreconcilable difference is, don't we Tiger?
This basic, everyday commodity presents an irreconcilable obstacle greater that what tooth paste presents Why? Well, it's not because of the various selections of textures, strengths, feel, colors or designs because those can be resolved by the next trip to the grocery store or by opting to replace your TP with a Sears & Roebuck catalogue (ow)!. Nope, the underlying conflict goes deeper than that because its roots are firmly entrenched with one's psyche. You see, it's not the toilet paper, per se, but how it is displayed. Remember, as with the toothpaste, there are only two ways to do anything, the wrong way or my way (again metaphorically speaking). Toilet paper offers only two ways to put the TP on a dispenser, with the paper rolling over the front or under the back. That's it, only two ways to hang yet many couples can't, or won't, agree on which way because to do so means that one has to concede to the other, and we can't have that in a marriage now can we - (ha)! 
OK, so you decide! Look at the two pics and vote for which is the correct and proper way to hang: Which roll is easier to grasp a hold of the leading sheet? Which roll shows the design from the front-side? Which roll is more appealing and adds to the decor of the bathroom? Which roll shows the tear-line without rolling the paper? Which one is more hygienic? What does common sense tell you? There are many web sites that present this scenario and offer opinions to try to remedy this dilemma. One particular web site is: http://www.squidoo.com/ToiletPaperRollOverOrUnder Check it out and join the fray but I propose that the irreconcilable difference is not which way the roll is hung but the mindset behind the reason to pick one over the other. You see, every time the roll is empty the decision has to be made again and the motivation to opt one way over the other says a lot about the psychological mindset behind that decision. Try this on for size: if one hangs the roll whichever way on a random basis, then that person's personality is probably classified as Laissez-faire, or perhaps just plain lazy. If one opts to insist that it must hang over, then that person probably suffers from Impulsive / Compulsive Disorder of some magnitude. One who purposely hangs the paper from the rear probably holds dear to liberal-values or is left brain dominant. That's OK too! The danger and the problem begins when one hangs the TP in a specific manner to purposely and aggressively piss-off (pun again) the other spouse. A sure sign that the marriage may be headed to the toilet (another obvious pun)!
IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCE #3
It has often been claimed in popular culture that the offensive English word for human waste, crap originated with Thomas Crapper because of his association with lavatories. The most common form of this story is that American servicemen stationed in England during World War I saw his name on cisterns and used the name as army slang. The word crap is actually of Middle English origin, and first appeared in the Oxford English Dictionary in 1846 under a reference to a crapping ken, or a privy, where ken means a house. Its most likely etymological origin is a combination of two older words, the Dutch krappen, to pluck off, cut off, or separate; and the Old French crappe, or siftings or waste or rejected matter, from medieval Latin crappa, chaff. As Thomas Crapper launched his company in 1861 and only gained fame much later, there is therefore no direct link between his name and the colloquialism, except one of coincidence.
OK, enough of that crap because we have a BIG problem here, not with the toilet itself, but with the toilet seat and the alternate positions it offers. One could take a solid stance here and state that toilet seats have two positions, up or down, so get over it! That may work in same sex marriages (only plus I know for same sex couples) but not for traditional marriages. Believe this or not, but I do know a gent that wanted to please his wife so instead of having to remember to put the toilet seat down after each use, he opted to always sit down when doing his business, no matter what the number was (#1 or #2 for you slow ones)! It also helped prevent over-spray which we all know how terrible that problem is when if comes to clean-up time! Now, that gentleman is truly a gentleman, or perhaps a wimp - you decide! Regardless, no irreconcilable difference #3 for that couple.
OK, so we all recognize the problem but we all may underestimate the repercussions of our actions. It isn't one sided either, and once again I must remind you there are only two ways to do anything, the wrong way or my way (metaphorically speaking for the last time). Here's where I may stray from the typical testosterone-induced deduction, and strictly for cosmetic and eye-appeal reasons I vote for closing the seat. Besides, I tend to drop things and, well, you can surmise the rest!
But friends and neighbors, there is a solution to even this age old problem. Yes, and for those of us who love to window shop, or perhaps browse at a certain speciality store, and for us techies who love gadgets and mechanical toys, I present to you direct from Home Depot the toilet seat built by Harmony (appropriately named) that automatically closes!! Yes indeed, and it is also advertised to be "flush activated, clean and hygienic, quiet slow-close action, and simple installation." Life does not get any better than this and this could save a marriage too! Wow, what time does Home Depot open - I can't wait!
In closing, and after solving the riddle of "what are the irreconcilable differences that cannot be reconciled", can we be serious for a moment? As much fun as that was, please note that the only true irreconcilable difference is love, or lack thereof. Love and a true commitment to honor one another as individuals created by God as we want to be loved and honored. If within each marriage couples would remember the second greatest Commandment "to love your neighbor (spouse) as yourself", then any and all differences can be reconciled. God Bless!
