UGLY BUTTS

Everyone has something that gets them mad; something that “tees me off". Do you know what “gets my goat” every time – besides Obama winning the election? What gets me really riled are: Ugly Butts!

That’s right – Ugly Butts!

Now, for all you perverts, for all you deviates, and for you body-beautifuls – RELAX! I am not focusing on the buttocks – I’m talking about cigarette butts! 

OK, and for you smokers reading this, you can relax too! This is not about smoking; I’m not going to bash smokers, per se; nor am I going to preach on the merits of quitting that filthy habit – I am better than that (ha)!

 But, I am going to talk about littering – that is specifically the littering / discarding of smoking paraphernalia.

And as a disclaimer, the smokers that are reading this will also agree with me on this issue because you are responsible and considerate individuals who would not pollute. This I know!

But I am addressing the other 99.99 percent of the smoking population whom exhibit a totally alien notion regarding what constitutes “littering".

Most smokers litter to some extent, as I will present to you. But what is most revealing is that as many, perhaps even more, non-smokers do not consider the smokers’ littering habits as harmful, if not explicitly illegal. Specifically, I’m addressing smokers who discard the remnants of their smoking habit anywhere and everywhere except in a proper designated trash receptacle.

So what is my beef all about?

For illustration purposes, let’s visualize someone opening a brand new pack of cigarettes. Everything appears to be quite innocent and harmless with his process but there are a few steps or obstacles to overcome when opening a pack of cigarettes. For starters, there is the cellophane wrapper that must be removed. No biggie – just pull on the little colored tab and there you have it – instant access!
     
But wait! What is one to do with that piece of cellophane wrapper? There may not be a trash receptacle nearby and one certainly would not consider putting what is now designated as “trash” in ones pocket, so just let it go! It’s almost totally translucent so it will just disappear and besides, no one will notice. What harm will a small piece of cellophane matter do so just drop it to the ground?

Look, did you see it? It just disappeared just like magic! Oh well, what’s one little piece of cellophane to this great, big, wide world?

But wait, another obstacle to surmount while opening this cigarette pack. Why it’s a piece of aluminum-coated paper that also must be removed and discarded immediately. However, this piece of aluminum-coated paper presents more of a disposal problem than the clear cellophane paper because this paper is definitely visible and there is no way one can nonchalantly drop this paper to the ground with out being noticed. Why, others will know that one litters; they can point to and identify the evidence; it’s just not fair; there are laws against littering but one cannot be expected to put what is now designated as “trash” in ones pocket – right?

But wait! Perhaps if one crumbles this piece of aluminum-coated paper into a tiny, tight ball then it would be hard to be detected by those Green Peace police and then it would be OK to litter.

Look, did you see it? It just disappeared just like magic! Oh well, what’s one little piece of aluminum-coated paper to this great, big, wide world?

Finally we get to the main target of my focus – the much maligned cigarette! Great, and at this juncture the cigarette pack is open thus no additional opportunity to litter – right?  Wrong!
 
Let’s not overlook the need to light this thing. What good is a cigarette if one cannot smoke it?

Visualize again, this time lighting the cigarette with a paper match and now facing the decision of what to do with that spent match. Well certainly a match of any construction cannot be considered to be litter – right? Why, one could just let the match burn itself out of existence – OUCH! Hey, where did it go?

Look, did you see it? It disappeared just like magic! Oh well, what’s one little match stick to this great, big, wide world?

As promised earlier, I will not discuss the perils of smoking so I’ll also avoid the issues of second-hand smoke and the resultant air pollution

or the subject of where cigarette ash ends up, especially if one is down-wind from a smoker. I’ll keep my promise because I am better than that (ha)!

So now let’s jump to the main point  – Ugly Butts!

We have all noticed that those ugly butts are everywhere! When outdoors, observe where the cigarette butt goes when the smoke is done. The butt goes almost anywhere but in a proper receptacle. And IF an ashtray is used (perhaps a car ashtray), guess where the ashtray gets dumped when full of butts? You got it, usually on the roadside by a stop sign / traffic signal. You’ve seen those small piles of dead-butts by the curb; you know what I’m talking about!

Even at night-time there is visual evidence of butt-burrowing; when driving down a road you’ve all seen cigarettes flying out from car windows when a lit cigarette gets ejected. I must admit that they do put on an impressive light show with sparks flying in the wind; kind of like a fireworks display!

So now I challenge you. Next time you’re outside and you observe smokers reluctantly complying to State and Federal “No Smoking Indoors” laws, just watch where their cigarette butts are discarded.

Look, did you see it? It disappeared just like magic! Oh well, what’s one little cigarette butt to this great, big, wide world?

Besides, after awhile those cigarettes butts disappear out of sight, don’t they?  Out of sight, no problems!

 But hey, what’s the heck. What’s the beef? All of this is not really littering - right? Why it’s not even comparable to throwing-out soda or beer cans or bags of trash and garbage or things like that. Hey, everyone that smokes does it – don’t they?

Well, if you follow that logic; if you accept the notion that none of the above constitutes littering; if you think that there is no harm with the improper discarding of cellophane and paper wrappers or matches or cigarette butts….

If you really believe that none of the habits described above equate to littering and does no harm to this great, big, wide world – if you really believe that…

Then perhaps you do believe in magic! 

Presented to the Achievers Toastmasters Club circa 1994

What Good Is A Watch If All It Does Is Tell Time?

It's probably a safe bet that you own a watch, and more than likely you have it on your wrist right now! Go ahead, proudly display your watch right now! While you are admiring your watch, compare the time displayed on your watch with other watches around you, or with other time devices. Most likely the times displayed are different from your watch. Do you wonder which one is correct? Do you fret not knowing what the "real time" is? Does it matter? Do you really care?

Recently I experienced a very traumatic event. I discovered that my two watches stopped working. For them time was standing still, yet for me time kept ticking on and I was at a loss because I did not have immediate access to a time piece. For those of you who think that you are not clock watchers, just go for one day without a watch on and note how often that you look at your bare wrist for the time and then look elsewhere for the time. For me, it became a very disturbing experience and quite unaccommodating not to have time on my side - that is, on my wrist.

My quest became to purchase a new watch while autopsies were being performed to determine the demise of my two comatose watches (dead time)! In my quest, the question arose: What do I want a watch to do for me? That is, do I want a watch just to display the time or shall I impose other criteria?

Still at a loss having not yet purchased a new watch, I am reluctantly bound for the "time being" to wear a watch not up to my standards. I need some help so I pose the question to you, my honored and trustworthy reader, what kind of a watch should I be looking for? In other words, what good is a watch if all it does is tell time?

Let's start with the basics: A watch should provide one with the time - period; or perhaps that's a question mark? You see, just displaying the time is not that simple because there are many implications and considerations in that one simple requirement to "tell the time".

For example:
1) Accuracy: Is plus or minus a few seconds adequate or shall it synchronize to the National Atomic Clock with an accuracy of a millionth of one second deviation over two hundred years? Hey, that may be a critical decision when it comes to timing popcorn in a microwave oven!

2) Analog or digital: Do you realize that with the proliferation of digital displays how many of our youth today do not realize that Mickey Mouse has one arm longer that the other? I'll let you ponder that for a moment.
- If opting for an analog display, do I want each minute marked on the watch face? Do I want a second hand? Do I want a separate dial for the second hand so I can become mesmerized by the speed of that tiny hand screaming around that tiny dial, just watching time fly!
- If opting for a digital display, do I want the seconds displayed? Do I want the the twelve-hour or the twenty-four hour display? Fortunately, most digital watches offer both formats thus precluding us from wearing two separate digital watches at once.

3) Calendar: Do I also want to have displayed the date? How about the weekday and the date? How about the month too? And the year too? How about one with a perpetual calendar that automatically compensates for Leap years?

4) Waterproof or water resistant: And how many meters do I need the watch to resist water intrusion? Let's face it, will I be satisfied with a watch that will keep on ticking after a quick dip in a six-foot deep pool or with a watch that is guaranteed for over (or is it under) 300 meters. That reassurance may provide me with many a restful night.

DECISIONS - DECISIONS - DECISIONS

But, our decision menu has just begun! Today, in this time (to be semantically correct), with current technology just knowing the time and date 300 meters underwater in just not sufficient at all; substandard at least! Where would we be in this competitive and demanding world if all our watch did was to tell the time?

Why buy a watch that just tells the time when you can have a watch that:
- Plays Beethoven's Fifth on the hour or fraction thereof;
- Has a stop-watch function which is critical for timing grass growing;
- Multiple alarms that always seem to sound in the middle of a meeting or during church services;
- Doubles as a TV or VCR / DVD remote controller;
- Monitors your pulse or your blood pressure;
- Beeps in sync with your jogging pace;
- Vocalizes the time at the touch of a button;
- Dual time-zone functions so you know what time it is where you are not;
- Timers that count up or down;
- Offers a full-function calculator;
- and some watches even claim to light-up the night sky with its luminance!

All these functions and MORE...But...What more could one expect from a watch? Well, there is the Data-Link watch with which you can down-load from your personal computer such scripted messages and events such as:
- A fully programmable calendar with reminders and alarms to remind you of events such as meetings, birthdays, etc,.
- An address and telephone directory;
- Messages and memos;
- All functions one expects from a "Day-Timer" PLUS most of the features mentioned above.

And guess what else this modern-day Data-Link watch does - you won't believe this - go ahead and guess, I'll wait...

Yes - it tells the time!!!!!!!!

So, really, what good is a watch if all it does is tell time?

(Technical Presentation: Achievers Toastmasters Club circa 1995)

Raising Kids 101

Whenever your kids get out of control, take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to raising His kids. After creating the heavens, the earth, the oceans, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve; and the first thing He said to them was "DON'T"!

To the animals He never said "Don't". He hurled no negatives at the elephants, but to the brightest of His creatures, to the one's created in His image, to the one's that get into Yale He said "Don't"!

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit" God spate.

Well that got Adam's curiosity up: "Forbidden Fruit - really - where is it!"

(Is this beginning to sound familiar? You may have never realized, until now, that the pattern of child bearing had been laid down in the Garden of Eden!)

"It's over there" God pointed, wondering why He hadn't stopped with Creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God returned to find His kids having an apple-break and man was He angry!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent bellowed.

"Uh-Huh" Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" retorted God.

"I don't know" Adam shrugged (at least he didn't say "No problem").

"All right then, get out of here, go forth, become fruitful, and multiply" God commanded.

As we parents have come to learn, God's command to Adam was not a blessing...but a curse! God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own (AHA!).

And so, Adam and Eve moved to the East-side of Eden, which was still the good part of town, and they had your typical suburban family, a couple of dim-witted boys. As typical with boys, one couldn't stand the other, and instead of leaving Eden and moving to Chicago, Cain had to slay Abel!

Thus the pattern of child-rearing was set for centuries to follow and the drama has never changed. But, there is redemption in this story for those of you whose offspring are not responding well to your wishes. If you have lovingly and persistently tried to give your children wisdom, and if they haven't absorbed your leadership, please do not be hard on yourself.

Find rest and comfort in knowing that if God had trouble rearing His children, what makes you think that it should be a piece of cake for you!

(Entertaining Speech: Achievers Toastmasters Club: 08/25/1993)

Blessings from Barbara:

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers, I truly understand the motivation behind them all, however, I am already truly blessed (as you are) because our sins have been forgiven from the Cross and God has promised us eternal salvation if we believe in Jesus' Death, Burial and Resurrection. Through God's Grace this truth is promised to everyone that believes and proclaims, and henceforth, the Holy Spirit comes to live in us and guide us. The beauty of it all is that one can enjoy the peace of salvation while we still live in this fallen world; we do not have to wait until death to enjoy Christ being with us. There is nothing that we do to earn salvation except to believe and say "Thank You" to God for loving us first.

If you agree to the above, then also do not worry about the Mayan year 2012 predictions or any other armageddon theories. Heck, you may die tomorrow so your immediate disposition must be firmly based upon God's Love and Grace so that at the moment you are dead you will be with Jesus for eternity.


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